Another e-mail to my mother.
You misunderstand. That’s acceptable. Try to see outside your perception of reality. I’m not trying to condescend by saying that; I am as guilty as most in that respect. But you are perceiving my words in ways that corroborate the illusion that I am somehow angry or resentful toward you, or ignoring you. As with everyone, including myself, I see your view of the world and universe and reality and everything as narrow and myopic. Even my view of your view is likely to be narrow and self-serving! Still, I can see how despite all of this, my last e-mails could have easily been misunderstood. They were (at least the last one) equally vicious and revelatory, equally scathing and honest. It may not be pretty, it may have been at times vulgar, but it is the truth, at least as I see it. Catharsis is beautiful, but never pretty. I know I’ve hurt you, somehow, but what do you expect from me? I’ve always had difficulty focusing on anything but the distant past and the immediate of the present. Do you think I speak to my father, grandparents, aunts, uncles, much more than I speak to you? I am trying to work out some things in my life…and it is extremely difficult, especially for the weak-willed. Slow progress is better than no progress, is it not?
My interpretation of your letter is that it is filled with bitterness. This is a sentiment that runs in dePassillé blood, it seems, though I’ve rarely seen you partake before, unlike your mother and sisters. I will not, though, pretend that this is at all the case, that you feel bitter toward me, because you’ve said nothing about it directly. I may be misunderstanding your feelings as well. I do not think you are a bad mother, but I still have unresolved issues when it comes to you and my past that I do no feel ready to face at this point. I am focusing on other things, though I know I will reach a point at which I must find resolution and peace with you.
I’m glad you enjoyed that song, Ms. Newsom is magnificent. I went to Vancouver to see her in concert last Thursday. Very emotional experience, watering eyes and the death of ego and absolution and all that jazz. I can send some more if you’d like. Her second album, Ys, is to me the most important musical recording of the 21st century so far. It’s the most beautiful thing I have ever heard.
Anyway, write back. My computer battery is dying.
I love you, Alex.
